What’s the difference between crack and those little space-age marshmallows? Fukkin’ dye.
Cap’n Horatio Magellan Crunch
Cappy’s got the codeine-laced stammer of modern day Ozzie, and he never leaves his quarters without a tasseled coat and admiral hat. Just look at how he makes that potbellied mermaid quiver.
Fangs. Cape. Flamboyant voice. Heroine chic physique. And he somehow gets away with luring kids into his castle with chocolate and asking them things like “How ’bout a monster for breakfast today?”
Frankie looks like he just drank the bongwater and giggles like he just slipped a pinky up your ass. But he’s a pink Frankenstein, for fukkssake. And check out that gremlin-claw grappling hook.
Boo managed to sell kids cereal while sounding and acting like a cartoon pedophile. And his cereal stained your mouth blue for the whole day, leaving you looking like Gene Simmons just ate out Smurfette.
Snap, Crackle & Pop
First, their names sound like the wood chipper scene from Fargo. Second, I’m counting the days until this little ditty is covered by Cannibal Corpse.
Between the crooner’s pipes, glazed-over eyes, and refusal to ever put on pants, Sug’s got the style and swagger of a young Jim Morrison. He’ll also saw off a crocodile’s teeth then hop back into his row boat like it’s nothing.
Dig’em the Frog
Set aside his Metal As Fukk name for a second. Dig’em might just be the muse for Andrew W.K.’s stage persona: earth-shaking growl, ear-to-ear grin, and overenthusiastic high-fives.
Sonny the Cuckoo Bird
Sonny is an addict. An off-the-wall, shaking-like-mad, will-let-you-shit-in-his-mouth-for-a-fix addict. And it’s a disturbing joy to watch him relapse, kind of like an avian Nikki Sixx.