Bill S. Preston, Esq. and Ted Logan never saw this shit comin’…
“The Speed Slide”, Knoebel’s Amusement Park, Elysburg, Pa.
This slide is so hardcore, it’ll literally rip off your vagina. The park is being sued for $59,200 in medical costs and damages after an 11-year-old’s cervix was torn away from her vaginal wall while riding the The Speed Slide. The parks lawyers rebutted, “Take It up with fukkin’ gravity.”
“Leap of Faith”, Paradise Island, Bahamas
Leap Of Faith drops riders 60 feet into a shark pool, with only a few inches of glass between you and a swarm of underfed killing machines. A reef shark once jumped from the shark pool into the people pool, but died of chlorine poisoning before it could rip any children to shreds. Chlorine: it can kill reef sharks but not E. coli or herpes.
“Banzai Pipeline”, Waterworld USA, Concord, Ca.
The water ran red with teenage blood as 32 high school seniors tried to break the school record for simultaneous riders on the Banzai Pipeline. They reached four times the maximum design, causing the 75-foot slide to crash to the ground. One girl at the bottom of the pile died on the scene. #YOLO #RIPMadison #MeatMattress
“The Key West Rapids”, Adventure Island, Tampa, Fla.
A 21-year-old lifeguard was struck by lightning and killed after his boss kept the ride open in the face of an oncoming thunderstorm. Owe ya one, OSHA.
“Das Slide”, Bad Goisern, Austria
A 7-year-old took a curve at a speed almost fast enough to go back to the future and was launched over the edge of Das Slide like a bullet in a bathing suit. So long. Farewell. Auf wiedersehen. Goodnight.
“The Slow River”, Leto-STOP Waterworld, Kazan, Russia.
After searching for a missing 13-year-old boy for three weeks, staff at Leto-STOP finally found him…sucked into the water filter of “The Slow River” and cut to floating pieces. Either Vlad The Lifeguard was hitting the thermos vodka too hard from his chair, or we’re dealing with a Russian Mob sex trafficking deal gone horribly wrong.
“The Super Spiral”, Siam Park, Bankok, Thailand
Siam Park had a rough summer. Within a few weeks, the Super Spiral collapsed injuring 28 kids and the park’s log flume crashed, forcing the park to close in the peak of its season. Siam Park’s closing may be responsible for the dramatic spike in business tourism to Bankok, flooding the child prostitution market with hundreds of bored and sun-burned 12-year-olds.
“The Flowrider”, Raging Waters, San Dimas, Ca.
The House That Bill And Ted Built knocked that silly tramp Katy Perry square out of her bikini…twice. The world now knows what lies beneath those cupcakes. You wanna party in The Valley, Katy, you gots ta unleash the twins.