Metal As Fukk Baby Names

When Lil’ Jacob and Baby Bella just won’t do…

A ninth-century Viking king and leader of The Great Heathen Army. Conquered England, drank from the skulls of his enemies and was eventually thrown in a pit of snakes and left for dead.

Shakespeare’s villainess daughter from King Lear. Worked over her elderly father with feigned affection, only to evict him from his own kingdom, leaving him homeless. Gouged out the eyes of her father’s best friend, convinced her boy-toy to kill her husband, poisoned her sister and before eventually killing herself. Zoinks.

Willow’s shit-talking, double-sword-wielding, caged anarchist savior. Iceman before he lost his edge and got doughy.

A 500-year-old megalomaniac warlock turned snarky, shit-talking cat in “Sabrina The Teenage Witch.” Named after a Massachusetts town where “witches” were burned at the stake in the late 17th century.

Brutal dictator of the Central African Republic who overthrew French colonial forces and reportedly fed his political opponents to animals. Fathered 62 children. His coronation reportedly cost his country’s entire GDP.
Self-coronation of Emperor Bokassa I (Jean Bedel Bokassa)


An enormous Greek monster with a hundred serpent heads who almost killed Zeus, unleashing earthquakes and tsunamis in the wake of their battle. Father to Cerberus, a three-headed hell-hound who keeps souls from escaping Hades, and Chimera, a lioness with a fire-breathing goat’s head.

A shape-shifting, time-travelling Sumerian God banished from Babylon in 6000 BC who was set to wreak havoc on 1984 Manhattan, only to be shut down by Ray, Egon, Winston and Venkman.

An Italian Renaissance philosopher who wrote that all great leaders must be loved and feared, willing to manipulate others using violence, wit and any means necessary to get what they want. Cited as an influence by Joseph Stalin and Jay-Z.


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