We trekked across the pond to do dos things: steal some gold and decapitate some mutherfukkers. And looks like you’re about out of gold, amigo…
Ransacked the entire Aztec Empire, home to millions of citizens and thousands of warriors, with 600 drunken Spaniards. Secretly held the Aztec emperor Moctezuma hostage in his own palace as he ruled from the shadows. Was so sly and fly, the Aztecs thought he was a reincarnation of Quetzalcoatl, the feathered serpent god.
Pedro de Alvarado
Cortes’ trusted lieutenant and mastermind of the “Massacre in the Main Temple” in Tenochtitlan, the Aztec capital. From one Aztec’s metal as Fukk account: “They attacked the man who was drumming and cut off both his arms. Then they cut off his head [with such a force] that it flew off, falling far away.” Beat that, Rick Allen.
Captured the Emperor of the Inca, ransomed him for all of the gold and silver in the empire, then dubbed himself the “Master of Peru.” Was stabbed in the throat by political rivals at the ripe age of 70 – and before he died painted a cross in his own blood and cried “Come my faithful sword, companion of all my deeds.” Bad. Ass. Shit.
Nuño de Guzmán
In pursuit of the “Seven Cities Of Gold”, Nuño torched down corn crops and tortured natives in Western Mexico until someone admitted this shit existed. When everyone just stared back at him with blank faces, Nuño went bonkers with rage and amped up his passion for raping and setting people on fire until the Spanish crown said “Enough’s enough, Nuño” and sent troops back into the jungle to chain him up and drag his crazy ass home. APOCALYPSE: AHORA.
Lope de Aguirre
Nicknamed the “Madman of El Dorado.” During a batshit mission to the mythical city, Aguirre overthrew his general and marched the army from the Amazon to the Atlantic, burning villages along the way. Once told his troops: “I am the Wrath of God, the Prince of Freedom, Lord of Tierra Firme.” Then he was killed by his own men, who cut his body into four pieces and sent each to a different city in Venezuela.
Francisco de Orellana
Navigated the entire Amazon River in two months. Returned with heroic tales of battling armies of massive, one-breasted women. Turned out he just came across a bunch of pissed off bros with long hair, likely the Icamiabas tribe. Still, Orellana gave them one hell of a cunt punch.
OK, so Smith stayed a tad north of the clusterfuck that was South America in the 1600s. And he was English. But we’re still counting him, mostly because he fucked his way out of imprisonment by wooing the native teenage princess Pocahontas. Man, I’d like to (Just Around the River) Bend her over a tree stump and show her Aaaaaaaaaall the Colors of the Wind.