Metal As Fukk Online Dating Profiles of Bronies

Us Bronies have to get our dicks wet, too. And ever since Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash tested positive for Hep B, we’ve been forced to reach for the low-hanging peaches of the internet…

my-little-pony-fleshlight

Cadler, 5’11”, Hates Mustard
This shy bi-sexual Brony always wears goggles, unless he’s practicing his circus performance. He’s afraid of non-linear time-travel, mold, and failure, but loves “Community”, Pinball and The Misfits.

Alex, 5’11”, Has Mutton Chops Not Inspired By Wolverine But The Civil War
This geeky, closeted Brony doesn’t like to brag, but he’s hugged Ian McKellan, intentionally wears mismatched socks and  drives a neon green Hyundai Accent.  He’s down to take you on a date via X-Box Live or out to Monday Night Karaoke after work.

Carl, 5’11”, Can’t Do Without Hope And Charity
Carl is really fukkin’ serious about two things: “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic” and Jesus. He’s 31 and loves “Back To the Future”, “The Sword In The Stone”, the soundtrack to “Aladdin” and ice cream. When Jesus is sleeping, Carl admits to masturbating to My Little Pony Porn. Unfortunately ladies, if you can’t accept this, then you can’t accept him.

Madayar, 6’4″, Creative, Curious & Just
This self-proclaimed “Free Man Who Wears His Hair Long” is an unapologetic Brony in Germany who claims to be un-shockable and seriously agnostic. He eats out every Saturday and drinks Mead when he doesn’t have to drive, but is otherwise just fukking around on his computer or watching “The Shawshank Redemption” on DVD.

Brad, 5’9″, Has Dogs But Likes Cats
Brad is a lonely Pagan Brony and aspiring singer looking to have sex with either another a Brony or just a Bro who doesn’t care he’s down with The Pony. He likes racing video games, bike rides, milkshakes, deer and “Pimp My Ride.”

Martin, 5’8″, Does Not Smoke
Martin claims to be a heavy, pervy, gothy Brony who prefers his Dr. Peppers over Jack and anime cleavage over real flesh. He loves “Resident Evil”. “The Cleveland Show” and  Cradle Of Filth.

Cody, 5’9″, Skinny
Cody is a Electrical Engineering Major at The University Of New Mexico who is friends wit R2-D2. He’s just a laid-back Brony looking for a PegaSister to talk to,  play video games with and impregnate.

Paladin, 5’5″, Eats Mostly Halal
This dapper Brony is a master blacksmith who makes most of the armor and weapons for his Guild, but finds he always gets stuck in the Friend Zone because women are bitches who don’t want doors held open and their seats pulled out for them. He likes fedoras and chocolate milk, but thinks “Halo 3” and drugs are for homos.

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