Before they started ramming needles full of HGH in their asses, our American heroes used to wipe the coke off their mustaches, sharpen their cleats and head out for another day at the office…
Cobb was one of the finest batters ever to grace the box. But he was also an ardent racist, a violent hornball, a raging drunk, and a high-strung pill-popper. During spring training in 1907, Cobb beat a black groundskeeper within an inch of his life just because the poor guy put his hand on Cobb’s shoulder. When his wife intervened, Cobb choked her out.
Even before he was banned from baseball for gambling, Charlie Hustle was a fukkin’ rock star. Dude practically invented the cleats-first kick to break up a pussy-shit double plays, and God have mercy if you were on the other end of one of his trademark plows into home plate.
OK, so a couple of these guys aren’t “sluggers” per se. But Ryan makes the list because of one shining moment in his nearly three-decade career. Watch the 46-year-old pitcher beat the ever-living fukk out of Robin Ventura – who was 20 years his minor – after he charged the mound. I count six uppercuts to the dome before teammates intervene.
Arguably the best all-around player in baseball history. But his off-the-field stats were even more impressive: Twelve hot dogs between games of a doubleheader. A pint of bourbon and ginger ale for breakfast every morning. A harem of mistresses in every town. Check out this short film where he uses his celebrity to Sandusky through an orphanage.
Teammates say Boggsy used to drink a six-pack before just about every game…but that’s just the beginning. According to baseball legend, he once polished off 50 FUKKIN’ MILLER LITES during a seven-hour trip from New Jersey to Seattle, then killed it on the field the next day. He also goes hunting with WWF Wrestler Mr. Perfect:
Dock Ellis once started a game by hitting the first three batters, just for the fukk of it. He also took LSD one morning thinking it was his day off, only to find out his calendar was wrong. He pitched a no-hitter that night.
The Entire ’86 Mets
Who needs steroids when you have an endless supply of pussy and cocaine? Straw used to pick cuties out of the crowd for a quick fukk in the clubhouse between innings. Doc skipped out on the Wold Series parade for a midday coke binge. Keith Hernandez had to check his mustache for residue before hopping on the field. Kevin Mitchell allegedly decapitated his girlfriend’s cat in the middle of an argument. (Those are all true.)