They’ve spent millenia in darkness, surrounded by silence, feeding off whatever happens to cross their path. And that’s made them very, very angry…
Atlantic Guitarfish (Rhinobatos Lentiginosus)
A Shark fukked a StingRay during the solo of “Once Bitten, Twice Shy” and out came this nu metal species. Not to be confused with what John Bonham mythically shoved up a Seattle groupie’s vagina (that was a Mud Shark- Squalus Acanthias).
Fangtooth (Anoplogaster Cornuta)
Compared to their bod, these lil fukks have the biggest teeth of any fish in the ocean. Grills so big, they can never fully close their mouth. They chill 16,000 feet below the surface off the coast of Australia, where food is so scarce they eat fukkin’ anything. Squid. Driftwood. Whale Condoms.
Fanfin Seadevil (Caulophryne Jordani)
The male of the species attaches himself to the female and their blood vessels join together. He spends the rest of his life taking all of his nutrients from her body as his appendages dissolve, leaving basically just testicles and ribs. Next time you’re eating pussy to pay your rent/explain why your cell phone was off, consider yourself lucky- at least you’re not sharing your fukking arteries.
Cookiecutter Shark (Isistius Brasiliensis)
Despite it’s pussy-as-fukk name, this stealthy ‘lil shark can get pretty aggro, gouging holes in larger animals and eating them from the inside out. Though less than 2 feet long, they’ve been known to pick fights with humans and submarines. Put him in a body bag, Cookie!
Half-Naked Hatchetfish, (Argyropelecus Hemigymnus)
These prehistoric plankton-gobbling midgets look like tiny battle axes and avoid predators by becoming invisible. Bullshit he’s only “half-naked” when he uses his special power to sneak into the girl-fish locker room.
Viperfish (Chauliodus Barbatus)
This fish is such a tease, flirting with bigger fish, being all translucent and attracting them with its phosphorescent organs, then chomping down on them with its knife-like fangs. It’s like getting head from a drunk glowing slut from the bar who has every intention of spending the night.
Giant Squid (Architeuthis Dux)
You wanna split an order of Fried Calamari, bro? Well this mean-looking fukk will take down family-sized an order of raw people, solo. Their tentacles can reach up to 40 feet and their only predators are sperm whales. Sailors in WWII told stories of giant squids pulling people off U-boats and devouring shipwrecks, but maybe that was just the PTSD talking.
Ratfish (Chimaera Monstrosa)
The venomous spine on this guy’s dorsal fin can kill a fully grown man with just one touch. But that’s unlikely, since this angry little fukk lives 1,000 feet below sea level off the shore Norway. Unless, of course, you’re planning a sunless spring break scuba diving trip with Dimmu Borgir.