We cremated grandma for two reasons: 1) So she doesn’t come back to life with an appetite for flesh, and 2) So we don’t have to witness this shit…
Your Cells Explode.
When the heart stops beating, your body temp drops by two degrees per hour until it hits room temperature, then carbon dioxide turns your blood to sludgy balsamic vinaigrette, causing your cells to split open.
You Shit Yourself.
Poopin’ ain’t voluntary, but not poopin’ is. Without your brain sending signals to hold out til you make it to the truck stop, your sphincter lets go with more gusto than Al Roker at the White House.
You Turn White, Then Purple.
When circulation cuts off, gravity pulls your heavy red blood cells drain toward the ground, leaving you pale as Marylin Manson in a meat locker. Meanwhile, your nether regions start showing purple splotches, which is one way how the coroner can tell the time you died. Also whether you recently fukked / were fukked by Barney.
Calcium Makes Your Muscles Stiffen.
Rigor mortis sets in about three hours after death, peaks at 12 hours, then dissipates after 48 hours. When the pumps in muscle membranes fail, calcium floods the cells, causing the muscles to contract. Milk: only does a body embarrassment after death.
You Can Still Maintain An Erection.
Depending on the position you die in, gravity will draw blood into the lowest tissues. Often people who die on the toilet (which happens a lot) are sporting wood.
Your Organs Digest Themselves.
After a while, enzymes in your pancreas may tag-team the bacteria that’s been helping you digest food your entire life, eventually burning through your stomach lining. As your guts break down, they release Putrescine and Cadaverine, which create that pesky corpse stank that’s so hard to wash out of your golf shirts.
Your Hair And Nails Keep Growing.
Like weeds in a protein garden. Skin also quickly loses its moisture and pulls back, making the nails and hair look longer. That’s why I get my mani-pedis at the funeral home – dude know what he’s doing. And he gives a sensual foot massage.
You Could Get Waxy.
If a body comes into contact with cold water, it may develop Adipocere, a fatty material formed from the bacteria breaking down tissue. Adipocere works as a natural preservative that can mislead investigators into thinking a body died more recently than it actually did. That was the case for a 300 year-old corpse found recently in Switzerland: the Swiss Miss Cougar didn’t look a day over 200.