Metal As Fukk Reasons To Get A One-Way Ticket To Mars

Carbon-based life-forms bring you nothing but heartache. One man’s interstellar suicide is another man’s fukkin pilgrimage… A thin atmosphere with 96% Carbon Dioxide and only .2% Oxygen means you’re high from the moment you wake up until the moment you go to sleep. Or until your lungs combust. Without an Ozone to filter UV radiation,…

Metal As Fukk BLIZZARDS

When the weather outside is frightful, there’s no treat more fukkin’ delightful than Tha Queen’s gravity-defying cupful of frozen heaven… now available in the following flavors… Clown Soul Suicidal SnowMan Lizard Pieces Skull Fragments & Old Teeth Gay Dragon Turds Blood Sausage & Baby’s Breath Eskimocha Crunch Chocolate-Covered Communion & Mustard Teenage Breast Milk &…

Metal As Fukk Halloween Costumes

If the $19.95 Pirate-In-A-Bag just won’t fukkin’ cut it this year… Edward Snowden Scissorhands This hedge-trimming, lock-picking, national-security-secret-leaking geek just wants to be loved. A Dead Baby Seal The easiest way to pull a Slutty Eskimo is to be exactly what she came to the party looking for. Karl Marky Marx The Father of Socialism…

Metal As Fukk Rockers Selling You Shit Other Than Rock

After you’ve sold your soul to the devil, you’re free to sell pretty much fukkin anything… Lemmy Kilmeister Kit Kat Bars Slash Volkswagons Alice Cooper Marriot Residence Inns Peter Frampton Geico Car Insurance Steven Tyler Sony Cybershot Cameras Spinal Tap IBMs Ted Nugent Energizer Batteries Gene Simmons Cherry Dr. Peppers Ozzy Osborne Pepsi Twists Hellvetica…

Metal As Fukk Tax Deductions

When you’re in the business of keeping it metal, you can get away with writing-off a lot of crazy expenses. Just remember to keep your fukkin receipts… Axes Guitar Picks Condoms ChapSticks Cattle Speculums Throwing Stars (w/ Carrying Case) Burnt-Down Mansions The Daniels Family Dynamite Harpoon Guns Tattoo Guns Tattoos Of Guns Gerbils

Metal as Fukk Sex Tapes That Haven’t Surfaced Yet

While grainy footage of Johnny Carson’s 10 inch dong was auctioned off to the highest bidder, we unearthed some lesser known fuckkin’ gems. Anne Frank & Peter Van Daan A hot teen from he wrong side of the tracks looks for some Dutch lovin’ in an attic. Michelangelo & April She’s an up-and-coming journalist who…

Metal As Fukk Uses Of Lasers

Don’t fukk with the most metal form of light… Knocking Cruise Missiles out of a Persian Sky Removing gang tats after getting jumped out for fukkin’ up a drive-by Pissing off geriatric Paul Stanley mid-flying-douche Rant Literally shredding the fukk out of metal Reshaping corneas so Cougars can see exactly how much Botox they need…