Metal As Fukk Uses Of Lasers

Don’t fukk with the most metal form of light… Knocking Cruise Missiles out of a Persian Sky Removing gang tats after getting jumped out for fukkin’ up a drive-by Pissing off geriatric Paul Stanley mid-flying-douche Rant Literally shredding the fukk out of metal Reshaping corneas so Cougars can see exactly how much Botox they need…

Metal As Fukk Scrimshaw

Got a story to tell? Fukk writing it down, carve that shit into a sperm whale’s tooth… Giant squid beats sperm whale like paper beats rock Mermaid: “Imma rob that fukkin’ train.” Gator: “Imma eat that fukkin’ mermaid.” Land Ho! Queequeg from Moby Dick or Jose from MS-13? Don’t even think about fukking with us,…

Metal As Fukk Things You Can Buy On SkyMall

Nothin’ like a little retail therapy to calm the nerves while you’re darting 600 mph in a floating tin can… For the agoraphobic meth-head who yearns for the judgement-free companionship of a yorkipoo: For the experienced man who knows that making love to an R2D2 unit without voice recognition technology just feels cheap: For the…

Metal As Fukk Places To Wait Out The Polar Vortex

The North Pole is so fukkin’ metal, it vacations in the Midwest. Here are a few places to kick back and enjoy God’s wrath after years of pretending global warming is a hippie myth: Hell, Michigan Jesus, Bolivia Thunder Bay, Ontario Dickshooter, Idaho Devil’s Hole, Australia Swords, Georgia Dragon, Missouri Bloody Corners, Ohio Fucking, Austria…

Metal As Fukk Snowmen

Corn Cob Pipes & Button Noses are for Snowpussies… The weather outside is frightful… Sleet on my face and tell me you love me. Shoulda never trusted those charming lil snowballs… Melting Existentialism “Well there’s something you don’t see every day.”- Venkman Mass snowmicide Does this top hat make me look gay? You eat my…

Metal As Fukk Songs About Rainbows

Why are there so many? Cause there’s nothing more metal to sing about than refracting the sun through tiny water droplets, muthafukka. Dio, “Rainbow In The Dark” Kermit The Frog & Debbie Harry, “The Rainbow Connection” The Rolling Stones, “She’s A Rainbow” Reggie Watts, “Rainbows” Hammerfall, “End Of The Rainbow” Insane Clown Posse, “Ghetto Rainbows”…

Metal As Fukk Foreign Film of the Week: Carne de Neon

Carne de Neon (Neon Flesh) Directed By Paco Cabezas (2010) Ricky, a charming hood rat (played by Mario Casas) wants to surprise his mother (Angelina Morena) when she gets out of jail by building her a high-end brothel where she can practice her whorin’ with ease. He quickly builds an empire/family with a sweet junkie,…

METAL AS FUKK INTERVIEW: PJ McQuade

PJ McQuade is a Brooklyn illustrator who¬†might just be the Andy Warhol of Geek Culture. He has made a name for himself with his insanely nerdy sci-fi mash-ups; from images of Don Draper starring in Game Of Thrones to a set of Star Wars holiday cards to a magazine cover of the Cast of It’s…

Metal As Fukk Trapper Keepers

Time to go back to school. Trapper Keeper beats iPad like Rock beats Scissors. “Voted Most Likely To Become A Paleontologist Or A Rapist” “Gravity is for pussies, brah.” “Two Kittens About to Have Sex” “Post-Post Modern Sonic About To Play Himself” “I wanna watch you pounce.” “For The Gentleman With Distinguished Taste” or “Trap…